Just a quick warning to anyone with BPD you should stop reading this now as it will be VERY triggering as I will be talking about the darker side of having this disorder. Now the warning is out of the way lets get on with this…
I was talking to someone online the other day and they asked me just how bad could Borderline Personality Disorder be? That question in its self isn’t triggering at all, but then, before I had even had a chance to answer the question they followed that question up with the line “I mean…it can’t be that bad can it?” The truth is it can be far darker and harder to live with than anyone without having it will ever realize. But for this post, I will be telling you just ten of the hardest elements of having Borderline Personality Disorder. Be warned, I will be talking about the hard extremes of having this disorder and the darkest of moments so some of it will make for uncomfortable reading…
10 – Uncontrollable Anger
This doesn’t necessarily manifest its self in violence, it can be words said in anger especially towards a family member or loved one. You can’t help it, it’s like the brain is angry over things you haven’t done yet or believes you were going to say or do something when you were not. This can be a nightmare of those partners of BPD sufferers and once again often leads to bouts of depression and more suicidal thoughts.
9 – Fear of Abandonment
Have you ever heard of the Doctor Dolittle character the Pushmi-pullyu? This is what this element of BPD is like. Let me explain… you are constantly pushing your friends, family and loved ones away with your anger, but your constant deep seeded fear of abandonment will want them to stick to you like glue, creating a perpetual “push-me—pull-you” scenario. You forever fear people will leave you to be forever alone, but it is mostly your own actions that push them away.
8 – Self-Destructive Behavior
This is one element of BPD that can be the darkest of all of them. Having constant highs and deep lows almost daily means you often think about committing suicide, self-harming and even overeating, undereating and even relying on substance abuse just to see you through the day. Getting this element in check will be the hardest thing for someone suffering from BPD to do, but it is one of the most important.
7 – Forever Feelings of Emptiness
You could have all the money in the world and the most loving or family and partners, but you will forever feel alone. This is something that doesn’t sound bad at first, but when you always feel this way things soon start to spiral out of control and even the slightest dips into emptiness often leads of severe depression or worse.
6 – Not Belonging
As if not knowing why you are was bad enough you will often not feel like you belong anywhere. No-one wants to be with you, no house wants you under its roof and no location feels inviting to you. This, of course, is all in your head and even the most loving of environments like the family home will seem like an alien landscape filled with dangers for you to avoid.
5 – Having it Forever
BPD is not something you are ever going to get over and you will be suffering from it for the rest of your life. While most people do learn to live with it, it is sadly always a part of them and those times when things get too dark will always be there and no therapist or amount of medication will ever change that. Please note, that this is not something bad, it just means the hope of being “cured” is not a possibility, but there is always hope for learning to live with it.
4 – Anxiety, Worry and Depression
I have placed these three things together as someone with BPD will often experience all 3 in a single day, sometimes within a single hour! Most people will indeed suffer from these things, but someone with BPD takes them to a new level. The anxiety level means they can’t leave the house on a bad day, their worry will be so bad it will cause them to self-harm or even commit suicide over just about anything and nothing and of course the depression is so dark you won’t want to
3 – Self Harming
Because it can be deeply trigering I will not go into detail here, but it is a massive dark sided element of having BPD and one that can be the hardest to control. Just be aware that just because someone is self-harming doesn’t mean they are suicidal, it just means they are not coping very feel and need some drastic self-medication.
2 – Not Knowing Who You Are
This might sound crazy, but it is also one of the most frustrating parts of having BPD. When most people look in the mirror they know who is looking back at them, but during the dark times of BPD you won’t recognise yourself and will be left feeling dazed and confused about who you really are. This then leads to deeper bouts of depression which makes the whole thing worse.
1 – Mood Shifts
In my opinion, this is the hardest part of living with BPD. The giant waves of happiness and depression, sometimes several in a day makes you feel out of control and helpless. When the lows hit they are the darkest of times and all you will want to do is cry and hide from the world. When the happiness hits you will often be too full on for most people to handle and will often end up doing or saying something bad in retaliation of them not understanding it. It’s tough to go through these, but for someone who is a partner of a BPD sufferer I can only imagine it is the worst part.