WILL YOU TAKE THE BLUE PILL OR THE RED PILL?
Many of us are familiar with this question asked in the film “Matrix” by Morpheus to Neo…
I am asking you kind of the same question – the reason why is that many of us who live with Borderline Personality Disorder (stay with me…) have been forced to take the ‘red pill,’ and we wish there was a way out of this rabbit hole; however we have had to learn to adapt and live within it. Anyone living with this illness will tell you, it is not at all easy, and to say it can be challenging is an understatement. It takes everything you got to learn how to ride this rollercoaster!
So with this in mind, I am taking you on a journey, because like Morpheus said to Neo, “I can only show you” – in this case, what it’s like from my perspective. Are you willing to come down the rabbit hole and learn for yourself what it is like? Or would you prefer to stick to what mass media says, stigmatising the disorder (often spreading misinformation and myths), and listen to the prejudiced views of the ignorant? The choice is yours…
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But just to whet your appetite, here is a brief overview of:-
Fishing For Reassurance
Yes, for many of us who suffer from this illness, it means we are often not sure of ourselves. (I say often because there are some moments where we will seemingly have more confidence). For the majority of the time we will have self-esteem issues, and therefore often without even realising it, you’ll hear us say things such as:
“Thank you so much for putting up with me”
“I hope I am not becoming too much for you?”
“You must be fed up/bored with me by now”
Pushing People Away
Yes, you would think this is counterintuitive because we do not want people to leave us; however, we may well try to do exactly this. We will often feel very low and hopeless at times and feel like we do not deserve any friends or love from people, and therefore we will try to push you away and may well come out with statements such as:
“It doesn’t matter anymore, it is not important, all the best!”
“I am fine, and don’t need anyone, you’ll feel better once I am gone”
“You don’t need to be friends with me anymore”
Oversharing
Many times if you have just met us, and you are a stranger, we will feel compelled to share all of this (sometimes very personal) information with you, and it is like we need to tell you, and feel that you need to know. We are like a runaway train. It may well mean you’ll get to know us in a short space of time, and didn’t even plan to. We do not mean to overwhelm you and are sorry if we do. In a way, we are asking for your help, to kind of slow us down a little bit, but in a kind way. We may have trouble with our barriers and are no doubt working on that in some way.
Picking Fights
Again because of our inner turmoil, often you will not know where we are in this rabbit hole, and we may well be at a bumpy place. At times, (and this has certainly been the case for me), we can seem to be purposely “picking a fight.” We may seem overly sarcastic, or antagonistic, or just saying things that seem off, or a bit wild. Because of our own inner pain, we then may direct that outward, and we have the potential to be unkind to others which then creates conflict with others, so that they may then deliberately leave us, hate us, and get angry back at us – when all we really want is for someone to see beyond that and ask if we are ok.
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Getting Clingy
This is often seen as a quality that puts many people off. We can at times be clingy. If we have a “Favourite Person” (FP), then this may especially be the case. We often struggle with getting the balance right in many parts of our life. Therefore, we can focus a little too much on someone – or something, a project, a hobby, a game, it can be just about anything – and therefore it kind of takes over.
Problems can happen when we suddenly don’t hear back from someone after trying to get into contact with them. A whirlpool of negative thoughts and feelings can take over. This can be really difficult for someone with BPD to deal with – as seemingly small a thing as it is for others, this will more than likely be a trigger for us!
Leaving Before Being Left
Those suffering from BPD will have two main triggers usually, one being any type of (real or perceived) Rejection and another Abandonment. To feel like we are in control of our own feelings, we may well often leave before we suspect you will in some way because then it lessens the intensity of our trigger. Think of it as softening the blow to us, as we have emotionally very thin skin.
Overthinking Situations
If there was a medal for overthinking, and over-analysing, I think those with BPD would definitely be getting it. As much as we try to keep it at bay, our own insecurities, doubts and fears, make us keep mulling over things, and analysing details that probably are not that important. This in itself is exhausting, and for many like myself, we also suffer from anxiety disorders as well.
Getting Into Toxic But Familiar Relationships
Pretty much everyone knows if someone is behaving toxically, but some of us, (and especially it seems to be the case with those with BPD), will ignore red flags, and deliberately get sucked into or delve into these types of relationships. A normal healthy individual would put up barriers to ensure a toxic person comes nowhere near them; but often we are not good at “saying no” and we actually feel at home with some of their toxic ways, not even picking up that they are being “controlling or possessive.” To many people with BPD, these and other behaviours are ones we have been around, and often have acclimatised to unhealthy environments so they have that “safe” feeling attached.
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Assuming Others Think The Worst About You
Even if you tell us you love us, and you are never going to leave us, unfortunately, because of the extreme emptiness that we feel inside, those with BPD are much like a bucket with holes in it. Remember, though: we didn’t put those holes there! Every time something goes in which is good, it will empty through those holes rather quickly. And our “go to” response, or default survival mechanism is to just “assume the worst,” until perhaps we have confirmation again that what we fear and presume is not true. It is not that we do not believe what you say, it is, unfortunately, the case that it has in the past proved to be beneficial for us not to trust someone.
Rejecting Love From Others
This feels awkward to talk about, as who would reject such a thing?
Have you ever been so hungry that when you go past hunger, and no longer feel hungry at all?
Many of us with BPD have been so chronically unloved, neglected, abused, abandoned, etc. that love can become something we tell ourselves we do not deserve. This may be something we tell ourselves right from a very young age, almost as a way to soothe our deep pain.
We do not mean to be horrible in rejecting your love, it just takes us more time to trust, and feel safe with you.
Thank you very much for reading, and I hope you have a pleasant day!
Tigerchelle x
