When you work from home it is hard not to get easily distracted. So today I have been side watching an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show, and while only us here in the UK will get this post I felt I had to write it anyway. So here is my…
10 – Gets your facts straight
Shouting “…That’s a FACT!” at the end of every sentence, even when the context makes no sense e.g. “Why don’t you get a job? That’s a FACT!” (Er…no it isn’t, Jeremy, it’s a question!)
9 – Cousin It
Referring to children as “it” (“…Are you going to start letting this child see its father”?) while criticising guests if they do the same.
8 – Role Play
Casting all his guests into stereotypical roles two seconds after they’ve first set foot on the stage “So, are you the Voice Of Reason?”/”I can tell you’re a bit of a Cheeky Chappie”/”You seem like a really nice bloke” and then persisting in sticking to those first impressions even if faced with irrefutable evidence to the contrary.
7 – Opportunity Drinks
Grabbing every opportunity to tell stories which he believes show him in a good light “I used to drive all night to see my kids without any sleep” Didn’t you have a terrible drink problem Jezza?!? I think so! So that means you regularly drove to see your kids blind drunk and endangering other road users!
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6 – Brave-heart
Constantly telling wife-batterers (the one doing the beating) how “brave” they are for “coming on the show and putting their hands in the air” AAGGRERH!!
5 – All I want for Christmas….
Verbally beating the guest villain (usually absent father/drunk mother etc) then when they burst into tears he says ‘I know underneath it all you are a good person…..’
4 – Yay or Nay?
Adding to the end of each question “YES OR NO?” even when it was not a question in the first place!
3 – Getting Social
Telling naughty guests “I’m going to give you both barrels” as if he’s Charles Dickens promising an audience another master work
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2 – The Truth?
His inability to understand the concept of the phrase ‘The lie detector is 96% accurate’. This means 1 result in 25 could be wrong, but this doesn’t stop him from treating the piece of paper in his hand like the Magna Carta. The closest he comes is sarcastically telling the alleged liar “Oooooh, so I suppose you’re one of the 4%?” Well, yes Jezza, they really could be!
1 – Growing Up
Saying “Where I am from that sort of thing..etc”He’s from Reading, Berkshire! Is Reading basically a utopian society?!? I think not. It is a real city with real problems, some of them worst than anywhere else!
